Salut et bon après midi! C'est Dimanche and it’s so lovely. My love for Sundays has been reignited now that I don’t have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to do a hellish job by 5:30. I’ll get to that later. Anyway, I woke up early around 8 and spent an hour in bed before I got up and began finishing, “A Black Women’s History of The United States,” by Daina Ramsey and Kali Nicole Gross.
It’s an understatement to say that “A Black Women’s History,” was simply a great read. It allowed me to see myself and other black women through a golden lens comprising achievement, strength, power, beauty, sexuality, sensuality, love, and more. It allowed me to reclaim what belongs to me, my mother, my grandmother, my ancestors, and other black women that look like us even though all of our stories may differ in minor or major ways. No this isn’t Goodreads and I’m not being sponsored or paid to write this review, but it lifted me out of the trenches of white supremacists who wish to erase black women from America’s foundation and ongoing legacy.
In short, I’m eternally grateful for women like Daina and Kali who see the importance of knowing, sharing, and honoring our history, and can create beauty even from its ugliest parts despite the mountains of crap we still face. I also teared up reading the author’s note at the end.
A calming meditative video has been playing for hours on the TV, 936 HZ to be exact, and I feel optimistic about what October will bring to me and who I will become. All of the greyness and rain has cleared away for the sun to reveal itself and the radiance of the fall leaves today. I’m long overdue for a good dose of vitamin D and an espresso martini or two shared over laughter with my bestie.
I became more reflective and introspective in the last week of September. Moody and somewhat floundering in oceans of depressiveness too, but that’s the risk I take on the road to shark week AKA getting my period. It wasn’t the greatest month in the world, but it wasn’t the worst either. I found myself holding on to good moments and people like precious jewels and prioritizing my mental health to the point of not caring too much about socializing or showing up for a job that I hated and that caused me misery.
September taught me how to put myself first and mean it. Putting myself first will always cost me something, but my peace of mind is worth whatever it costs no matter how tempting the other option may be. September reiterated to me the importance of knowing, seeing, believing, and acting the worth of the woman I want to be and the life she wishes to lead. Putting myself first resulted in separation from a job that no longer served me, and I honestly never felt more relieved, free, and at peace. The job I had was so stressful and not worth all that it required and took from me. The benefits glittered, but they weren’t gold and my time to leave was long overdue.
I feel relieved and excited for all the time I’ll be able to have to myself now. I can go running and to the gym in the mornings again. I can sit on the porch and journal and read my little books for hours with my dog beside me. I can make myself a nourishing breakfast and tea with lemons and honey. I can visit the library and check out a bunch of books I most likely won’t finish by the return date again. I can visit the beach and watch the sunrise. These sorts of things excite and fulfill me.
I feel freed from mental shackles and chains like I can think for myself again and utilize my time for my highest good and my wants and needs, instead of giving it to el hombre gringo to make ends meet. I can get back to myself and the beautiful, colorful, calm life I had before the need to subject myself to capitalism and all of its horrors interrupted me.
I just finished writing out my goals and intentions for this month. I’m putting myself and what aids in my feeling and being my best, first again. If I’ve learned anything from working a job that took my mornings away from me, it’s that 1. I’m definitely a morning person when I can wake up, stretch, light a candle or incense, and do as I please until about noon.
One of the things I love doing in the morning is grocery shopping, don’t ask me why. There’s just something about picking up Fruity Pebbles, coconut milk, flavored oatmeal, bagels, and quality bread between the hours of 8 and 11 AM. I love inhaling the morning air and saying hi to the elderly people who do their shopping early to avoid the big crowds and rushes.
And number 2. Quality time is one of my top love languages and I hate hate hate when someone or something takes away from my being able to spend quality time with myself. I know this generation is full of people who are rather fearful of being alone, but I wholeheartedly cannot relate. I love it so much. So much so that I wish for a partner that allows me to be alone while with them and doesn’t take my need to be alone personally. It’s just the way I was designed. If there’s anyone I’d rather be with, it’s myself. Maybe it’s my introverted INFJ nature or maybe I just love the feeling of not having to perform, shift, adjust, or flip myself inside out to feel a sense of acceptance. I feel at ease when I’m with myself, I don’t feel that way with the majority of people.
I’m back on Twitter again. I still don’t find it life-contributing to scroll for minutes that can easily turn into hours and I’ll most likely end up deactivating my account 50 times if not deleting it completely, but it’s nice for when I need to laugh. I’m a firm TikTok hater and a “TikTok is destroying the brains of the youth,” believer, but sometimes I find myself laughing incredibly at TikToks I find ridiculously funny on Twitter. There’s no harm in laughing my ass off for 2 minutes and 27 seconds. Still, I’d never allow my children, if I had children, to have TikTok accounts. And I don’t ever plan on going back to the soul-sucking abyss that is Instagram.
I’m also trying to date now. It’s challenging, of course, but I find having high standards and a clear vision for the kind of man and relationship I’d like helps a lot and saves me so much time and energy. This is all new to me at 24 but late is always better than later. No making room or space for qualities, behaviors, or lifestyles that don’t align with me and my wants and needs. I know what I want and until a man shows up embodying those things, I’m content in my singlehood.
It’s been a long journey for me to be open to dating and getting to know people after experiencing relationships where I sacrificed my peace of mind and gave up too much of myself in the name of being loved by people who weren’t even capable of such a thing. Being able to feel capable of dating is a huge W for me.
Dating is teaching me to reclaim my worth and my power, compared to past relationships that snatched it away. I’m learning how to forgive my past self for all that she didn’t know and vowing to be her hero by doing right by her and most importantly, listening to and honoring myself. I’m not seeking to fill a void. I would like someone skilled in the art of collaboration and contribution the most, I’m in no rush to find him though. I’m willing and glad to wait for the man that is deserving of me. I’m healing and discovering more of myself in the meantime.
I’ve adjusted my focus on men. Over the last couple of months, my disdain for men as a whole grew large as a result of past experiences and seeing the way the majority of men are truly, and I mean truly, scum at the bottom of women’s shoes. My stance on most men being trash hasn’t changed, but I’ve opened myself up to the idea that some aren’t total trash. Some men aren’t perfect, but they’re not the ultimate enemies either. Some men are actually decent and care about being a decent person. There are far and few of these men, but they’re out here somewhere.
As of recently, I love seeing posts on the internet of women who have good men. The kind of men who are romantic, generous, considerate, respectful, honorable, protective, secure, and kind. I gave up on the dream of having a man like this for a while, but the more I heal and adjust my focus, the more I find myself having hope again, rediscovering what love is, and seeing healthy relationships where love exists as beautiful, inspiring, and attainable.
I don’t pay attention to crappy men or the tumultuous relationships the mass media promotes like that one disgusting couple who just recently had a baby for clout and will not be named. Back when I was with a boy who made me cry too often and never reflected what I was worth, I realized that he didn’t make me feel the way beautiful flowers looked. He was such a destructive force in my life and all of his destruction bulldozed my heart, its beauty, and optimism. Now, the standard is a man who makes me feel the way beautiful flowers look and nothing less.
Besides dating, I want to create more of a home for myself in October. Inside of myself and outside in the world. I want to be more accepting of myself and the things I still have a difficult time navigating and healing from. My stories, wounds, scars, sadness, grief, anger, resentments, wishes and deflated dreams. I want to look at myself and my body with loving eyes and wrap myself in warm embraces. I want to look at my pain and my life’s lack of beauty and not shrivel my face in fear, disgust, or condemnation.
I’ve spent too much time in my life harboring things and people that caused me to feel like my life wasn’t worth living. I want to let go now. I want to see how good things can get. I want to live. Every day when I look into the mirror, a woman looks back at me who deserves to live. She’s deserving of so many good, great, and beautiful things. I’m prioritizing giving that to her this October.
In the world, I’d like to be where I make a difference. I would like to be where I am happy and fulfilled. September taught me that to be happy isn’t too much to ask. I’d like to be where I can create purpose and meaningful work. Work that aligns with what I value and wish to see more of in the world. The universe is giving me a chance to figure out what that looks like and how to get there. I’m thinking about doing some volunteer work this fall and winter. There’s little to nothing that swells and soothes the heart like helping others.
So it’s October and God and the universe has cleared the path for me again. I’m expected to walk it so I will. I won’t run, rush, or carry what’s too heavy this month. I’ve put in the work this year for my garden to flourish. Now it’s time to harvest my fruit.
Mood for October:
Until next time, XOXO.