Earlier today I was explaining to a friend why it’s important for me to take certain steps and measures to best deal with people who are no longer in my life or have caused me harm and he said, quite arrogantly, “It’s not that deep.”
El oh el. The good ol, “It’s not that deep, fam.” Don’t we just love opening up to people that don’t have the capacity to hold us and our emotions safely?
At first, I felt reactionary; offended and taken aback. I found his words to be dismissive. Then I quickly realized he was projecting and reminded myself that it’s not my fault he does not have the capacity to imagine that others respond to their emotions in ways he doesn’t and may not understand. I felt pity for him, felt my body soften, and replied, “Yes, it is that deep,” and I stood on that.
I felt proud of having stood on that, of having stood up for my right to feel my emotions and respond to them in a way I feel is healthiest for me. I felt proud of not shrinking or backing down in the face of what I felt was invalidating and dismissive. I felt proud of not having turned on myself in that moment and feeding myself condemnation and shame for having and feeling my emotions.
The last week and a half or so, I felt extreme sadness and grief about walking away from friendships and people that were not aligned with the values I hold close, despite knowing I was making the right decision in walking away. This is something that’s always been incredibly hard for me. I believe it is for most people. Majority of us compromise ourselves and our values so that we don’t have to be alone whether that’s in family, friendship, or romantic affairs.
What I’ve realized is that I would rather be alone than with people that make me feel alone. These aren’t just empty words for me anymore, I mean it. I do not have room or energy in my life for people and things that leave me feeling confused, uncertain, mistrusting, and especially unsafe. I do not want these kinds of heartaches or headaches anymore.
Coming out on the other side of my grief and disappointment has given me the confidence I’ve been needing to say, “This is who I am. Take it or leave it. (And if you leave it, you’re a fucking idiot.) I am not negotiating my values with you. I will not compromise myself in order to have your presence. When you show me who you are and what you do or do not stand for, I will believe you. I refuse to accept and participate in what doesn’t bring out the best in me.”
So yes, it is that deep. It always has been, it always will be. A lack of emotional intelligence, empathy, and understanding doesn’t change that. I won’t turn on myself for feeling and being human. I won’t discard of what I believe in just because others don’t believe in the same things.
What I’ve been meaning to say is, “Fuck off. I’m going to feel what I feel for as long as I need to feel it. Take your judgmental eyes, your un-evolved attitude, and your cold heart elsewhere. You don’t get to tell me what my healing looks like. You don’t get to tell me what the limits on feeling are. You don’t get to tell me what to do with my emotions. You don’t have the right to tell me to be okay with things that are not okay. You don’t have the right to invalidate and dismiss me. When you take a walk in my shoes, then maybe you can fix your mouth to say something, but until then, shut the FUCK up! Thx.”
Until next time, XoXo <3
Mood btw: